Here We Go

Okay, I started moving again yesterday. I did my three strength training apps (sit ups, push ups, squats) yesterday and they were pretty easy. 

Today I found my way to the one and only indoor track in the Denver Park system and it was nice! Small, as I expected, but very nice. There wasn't any signage to say how long the track was, but I'm guessing 1/8th or 1/10th of a mile. I used my Charity Miles app to keep track of my miles and time. According to the app I did 3.1 miles in 47 minutes. So I'm not sure if I just confused my GPS by walking indoors in a circle, or the flat track really made a difference because if you recall, I ran the 5K (3.1 miles) in October in 52 minutes. 

While I did take it easy today by mostly walking, I did jog 6 of the laps intermittently. I really didn't expect to jog any, but the spirit moved me...literally. 

Two days down. Moving in the right direction. 

I'm Still Here

I know it's been a while since I have posted, but don't worry...I'm here.  I've just needed time.  Spending hours on the couch, watching TV, and eating bad foods isn't exactly the best way to spend my time, but in this time of transition, it's been something I've needed.

Thankfully, I have had two wonderful visits from friends to help pull me out of my funk.  First, my Green Mountain roommate and buddy, Julia, came for a week.  Together we checked out all of the Denver sites including Red Rocks where we walked the stairs.  It was beautiful that week, so we took advantage by walking when we could.  It was great to get out of the apartment and into the sun and to have a friend to confide in for the week.  Then last week, my Indy friend and high school buddy, Laura was here.  I took her to Red Rocks, Dino Ridge, we enjoyed a fancy afternoon of Tea at the Brown Palace and an evening at the theater and again, had some wonderful conversations.

I saw something this week that said friends are the gateway to happiness.  As someone who is still trying to find her way in a new town, I believe this 100%.  I am thankful to my friends who have come to visit me and to my new friends here in Denver.  Being around them really lift my spirits.  And, there is more to come.  Ellie is coming out in two weeks so we can be together for Valentine's Day, my birthday and the anniversary of Ellie's boyfriend, Jeff's death.  I'm looking forward being together during that week.  Also, I've been thankful to be able to hang out with Joe.  He's been my best friend for many years and I'm happy that we are able to still share that.

So now that I am starting to pull out of my funk, I am starting to think about my health once again.  I really want to use this year to focus on how to better myself both mentally and physically.  I have turned in my grad school application and I hope to use the first day of school in the fall as a goal point for me.  I want to feel more confident in my skin by then so I can focus on school.

Back in October, Ellie, Julia and I completed our first 5K's together and we discussed getting back together in the spring and that ball is now rolling.  We will be gathering in Alexandria (Julia's town) for the George Washington Parkway Classic 5K.  We have 10 weeks until race day...so 10 weeks for me to get back into shape.  Of course, I have already come up with a plan.  I am going to spend the first two weeks taking it easy and just walking.  I've found an indoor track at a local community center that I am going to use during the cold days.  Also, I've downloaded a few new apps (created by my Couch to 5K App people) that are 10 week programs for crunches, push ups, and squats.  I plan to start those this week.  Then in two weeks I am going to start the 5K app over and will skip ahead on days if I feel up for it.  But honestly, I have been relatively inactive since the last 5K, so I will likely need to start from the beginning.  Not to mention that I am looking forward to getting back to my 2000 meals earned by October 2014. I've almost earned 100 so far...many more to go!

That's the plan.  I hope the activity will help my spirits and will reactivate my desire to eat all natural and organic foods.  Wish me luck.

Nature Box

I got my first Nature Box! And so far, I'm impressed. I went to the grocery store yesterday and was once again lost on what to get myself to snack on and once again bought cookies despite my inner voice and better judgement. 

I was a little worried about how I would like the taste of my Nature Box snacks, but I've tried them all and I like them. I got Cranberry Almond Bites, French Vanilla Almond Granola, Flax Fortune Coins, Whole Wheat Blueberry Figgy Bars, and Baked Peppery Potato Fries. And the best part is that all items are free of high fructose corn syrup, partially hydrogenated oils, artificial sweeteners, flavors, and colors and no trans fats.  

Okay, okay, I sounds like a commercial, but I do feel this is a tiny breakthrough in my eating habits. I will keep you updated as my snacking goes on. But anything that can steer me away from my obsessive sugar cravings has got to be good. Let's hope this works. 

Down but Certainly Not Out

Happy New Year, Everyone!  I hope you all had safe and happy holidays with your friends and family.  I enjoyed being in Indianapolis for Christmas.  I laid low for New Years Eve, but it was nice to hang out in my new place with my cat, Leo, who finally moved in with me.

I'm not going to lie, I was pretty happy to see 2013 go away.  It was a difficult year with deaths and breakups, but I have to remember the positives that came out of the year.  I moved to Denver, I survived off of freelancing and part time work, I've started volunteering, I had a transformative month at Green Mountain, and I started on this wonderful new journey of self awareness and real food enlightenment.  (I don't know what that means exactly, but I thought it sounded good.) What I am trying to say is that I have begun to see myself and the way I treat my body differently.  I have stopped eating dairy and fried foods because I finally realized how terrible I felt after eating them.  I have starting making my meals from scratch.  Real, whole, natural foods. And who can forget that I RAN 3.1 MILES IN A ROW!  Without passing out!

I am excited to start 2014 with this all of this knowledge to back me up.  I can start to see success in my future in terms of my health.  I was too scared to admit that I was in a relationship with someone I love dearly that was unfortunately never going to pan out how I wanted or needed.  Being a month and a half removed from the breakup, I am still quite sad, but there is a glimmer of light ahead.  I can now see how stressed I was making myself by not being completely honest with myself about the relationship.  There are things in life that I want that the relationship just wasn't going to give me.  Beyond my sadness, I do feel the weight of my stress lifted.  I know stress can hold back my efforts at a healthier life style. I have seen first hand how stressful jobs have added pounds to my body, so I am ready to move forward with my life with my focus 100% on me.

My New Year's resolution this year is to be kind to myself and not feel sorry for myself.  I am very aware these days that the moment I allow myself to feel sorry for myself, I sink into depressing thoughts and turn to food for comfort.  I know I don't have any regrets and I know that I can change things that get me down.  When these thoughts creep in, I plan to stop myself and think of something positive or go do something positive.

As for my eating and exercise habits... I want to try to lower my carbohydrate intake as I know carbs just make me hungrier and for my body type, they just go to my middle.  This includes being more aware of how much sugar I am eating.  I won't cut carbs or sugars out completely as I don't believe in deprivation, but I want to be more sensible about them.  And good news... I have been on a strict Only Carbs and Sugars diet since the breakup so my home is almost exhausted of all tempting foods.  I have signed up for Nature Box, which is a monthly box mailed out full of natural, healthy snacks and foods.  I have found that I have a hard time figuring out what to snack on these days, so hopefully this box will help me out.  I will report when I get my first box.  I am also figuring out ways to eat at home as a single person again.  Yesterday I cooked two large chicken breasts in my crock pot with some chicken broth then I cut it all up and put it in my fridge.  For dinner last night, I just cooked up some rice and added some of the chicken.  For lunch today, I added some chicken to my Walnut, Goat Cheese salad with raspberry vinaigrette.  So now I have lots of chicken cooked and ready to be added to many different meals.  Makes life a little easier.  I also plan to up my seed and nut intake.  I have enjoyed them on my salads this year and I know they would make good snacking options.

During this cold winter, I plan to try out some workout videos at home that I have found on both Netflix and Amazon Instant and there is a gym at my new apartment building that I will try out.  But really, I just want to get outside and walk.  I'm not up for running again just yet, but getting out and taking a walk is a great way for me to recharge and get fresh air.  Thankfully, it is usually sunny here in Denver, so it makes getting outside very enticing.  While I haven't walked much with my Charity Miles app this last month, I still plan to reach my goal of 2000 meals earned in a year.

Finally, I just want to thank everyone for your support during this whole year.  I love getting comments from my family, friends, and my Green Mountain pals.  This blog has really helped me to work out my thoughts and feelings as well as help me to stay motivated.  I am a lucky person with lots of people who care about me.  I am super excited for many visitors coming to visit me soon.  My friends Jenny and Kevin will be in town for work in a week so we plan to meet for dinner.  My friend Julia is coming from D.C. after that for a week and I can't wait to show her around Colorado.  Then my friend Laura from Indy is coming to accompany me to the show Mama Mia using tickets my parents got me for Christmas.  And finally, my sister Ellie is coming out in February from Boston the week of Valentine's Day and my birthday.  It is also the anniversary of her boyfriend's passing so it will be wonderful to be together to support each other during the hard week.

I am excited for what 2014 can bring.  I hope to continue my journey of self improvement and I hope to be in a better place physically, emotionally, and mentally by the end of the year.

Food Deserts and Nutritional Starvation

Food Deserts and Nutritional Starvation in America:

What Can Be Done?

               There is rising concern these days about the obesity epidemic occurring in America.  For the past 30 years, American’s waistlines have been expanding and citizens and politicians alike have been asking why.  Many believe the answer to this problem is educating children; teaching healthy habits at an early age in order to avoid obesity in their future.  Michelle Obama’s Let’s Move campaign and the NFL’s Play 60 are two examples of organizations geared to motivate children to move their bodies and make healthier food choices.  Unfortunately, these organizations are only addressing a portion of the problem.  The federal government estimates that 23.5 million people in America live in a food desert and roughly 49 million Americans are suffering from nutritional starvation. [i]  A food desert is defined by an area without affordable fresh food or full-service markets. [ii]  Nutritional starvation occurs when a person isn’t consuming enough natural nutrients that can be found in fruits and vegetables.

Food deserts are common in both rural and urban communities that are typically defined as low income.  These areas may or may not have had supermarkets in the past, but a time came when the supermarkets decided it was no longer financially feasible to keep their stores in these locations.  Supermarkets were moved to the suburbs and small convenience marts and fast food establishments became the only viable options to local residents.  Large produce manufactures deemed it too inconvenient or costly to drive their semis out to the rural communities or into the densely populated cities.  With the lack of fresh produce available in these locations, nutritional starvation quickly became a problem in these low income areas.  Many low income residents lack the financial means to travel far distances via car or bus to the suburbs to shop in the well-stocked supermarkets.  If they are able to get out to the supermarket, they then have to deal with the challenge of rising food costs.  Because of farm bills and government subsidies, corn, wheat, rice, and soybeans have become cheaper for large food manufacturers to buy and to then produce nutritionally lacking foods.  Pair this with the declining food stamp program, and a family is forced to make hard decisions when it comes to nutrition verses feeding the whole family for a week. 

To buffer the rising costs of food and the declining food stamps, many people turn to charity run food pantries and soup kitchens.  While these charities are serving a need in their communities, they are often confined to giving or serving foods that are high in preservatives, sodium, and fat.  According to Janet Poppendieck the author of Sweet Charity: Emergency Food and the End of Entitlement, “A national study released in 1988 found soup kitchen meals frequently deficient in fruits, vegetables, and dairy products.”  She also notes the high percentage of snacks and sweets given out at many food pantries much to the chagrin of food pantry directors.  Supermarkets often donate bulk foods to food pantries and unfortunately, it is the junk food that sells in their stores, thus it is junk food that fills their shelves. [iii]  Again, it is what sells because it is what is cheapest for low income families to purchase.

The effect that nutritional starvation has on people, especially children, can be anywhere from temporary to lifelong struggles.  If a child is nutritionally deprived within the first three years of their life, their development years, it “affects their cognitive development and ability to get along with others, their stature, their weight, and their brain at a much deeper level.”[i]  Beyond the development age, hungry children have “significantly more episodes of fatigue, dizziness, headache, and inability to concentrate.”[iv]  For all age groups, a person could be eating a large number of calories, but nutrients are either completely missing from the diet or the once live nutrients have been destroyed in the food through methods such as added preservatives.[v]  This leads directly to obesity, diabetes, and high blood pressure in adults.  In other words, if a cheeseburger, fries, and a soda can cost less than four dollars off the dollar menu at a fast food restaurant, while a bag of lettuce and a pound of chicken breast can cost upwards to ten dollars at the supermarket, a low income person is likely to choose the meal with the higher calories and lower cost.  When a person must choose this option on a regular basis, they are not getting the nutrients a healthy body requires to function properly and thus pounds are added over time.  Partner this with the low income families who live in food deserts and suddenly the dollar menu or convenience store becomes the only option as fresh lettuce and chicken breasts cannot even be found within the community.

So the question is, what can be done?  First of all, fresh foods need to be brought into the community.  Nationwide, local farmer’s markets are on the rise and many are occurring in or around food deserts.  Not only are these markets bringing fresh food directly to the consumer, but they are also cutting out the middle man…the grocery store.  Farmers as well as consumers benefit from this one-on-one interaction.  The farmer is getting paid directly, while the consumer is able to interact with the farmer and ask them questions such as how to prepare certain foods.  Plus, the cost of the food is more manageable to the average low income family.  Some markets have even evolved to accept food stamps so all may benefit within the community.

Community gardens are another tool being used today to help educate and feed low income families in both rural and urban areas.  But when farmers markets and community gardens aren’t available, it’s typically local charities that step up to provide fresh food to those in need.  In the rural community of Mulberry, Indiana, one pastor saw this need and decided to do something about it.  The Stone Soup Food Pantry in Mulberry is a small, two room operation that relies heavily on the donation of non-perishable foods from local organizations such as churches and schools.  Pastor Mike Crawford of Gloria Dei Lutheran Church had an idea to make the pantry better.  He began Katie’s Commons, a nonprofit community garden on Gloria Dei’s church grounds, where 100% of the produce grown will be donated to the Stone Soup Food Pantry and to be distributed among their clientele.  Pastor Crawford consults the food pantry on what to grow and members of his church and the food pantry help in maintaining the garden.  Along with giving fresh produce to those in need, Katie’s Commons also offers education on nutrition and gives out seeds to those families who wish to start their own gardens.

An organization with a similar mission is located in the urban community of Denver, Colorado.  The Metro CareRing Food Pantry also places a large emphasis on access to fresh foods and nutritional education.  Metro CareRing distributes between 4,000 to 6,000 pounds of food, baby items, and personal care products to up to 500 people every day.  By working with local grocery stores, farmers and gardens, 62% of that is nutritionally live food.  Along with food donation, the MCR places a large emphasis on nutritional education in the form of classes, one-on-one discussions with shopping assistants and allowing clients to get their hands dirty in the onsite garden.  In my own experience as a volunteer at the Metro CareRing, I can see how excited people are to be able to choose from a huge selection of fresh produce.  Many clients unfortunately need assistance from a number of food pantries and they mention how they have enough peanut butter and snacks, common items distributed by food pantries.  At MCR, each client is given a personal shopping assistant so they may pick out every item they take home.  Each is allowed to fill a large shopping bag with fresh produce and so many are grateful for the chance to eat healthy food for the week.

Unfortunately, charities can only do so much.  Jeff Bridges, actor and cofounder of the End Hunger Network, says, “Charity is a great thing, but it’s not a way to end hunger.  We don’t fund the Department of Defense through charity.”  Meaning we need to be looking beyond charities and to local, state, and federal government to assist us with this need.  The Food Research and Action Center has come up with seven essential strategies to achieve America’s goal of ending hunger, which will also help in ending food deserts and nutritional starvation. 

1.                      Restore economic growth and create jobs with better wages for lower-income workers.

2.                      Raise the incomes of the lowest-income workers.

3.                      Strengthen the SNAP/Food Stamp Program.

4.                      Strengthen the child nutrition programs.

5.                      Engage the entire federal government in ending childhood hunger.

6.                      Work with states, localities, and nonprofits to expand and improve participation in federal nutrition programs.

7.                      Make sure all families have convenient access to reasonably priced, healthy food.[i]

Until all of these goals are met, I believe everyone can get involved in this fight in one way or another.  Here are some simple ways to help out in your community: 1. Donate time or money to your local food pantry. 2. Discuss food deserts with your local city council members and what can be done to bring in fresh food. 3. Assist with a local community garden that is committed to donating its produce to those in need. 4. Support local and federal candidates who want to make positive changes with the SNAP/Food Stamps Program and with the Farm Bill/Government Subsidies.

While it’s true that America has a problem with obesity, it’s important to keep in mind that being healthy isn’t always an option for low income families.  Food deserts and nutritional starvation are a large factor in keeping the waistlines up in low income communities.  To combat this problem, we must first educate the general public on the growing number of hungry families in our own country.  Low income families aren’t lazy or unwilling to eat healthy.  They are nutritionally starving because they do not have access to fresh produce in their own neighborhoods.  Once we can solve this problem, then we can put more emphasis on nutrition and fitness education.  And then we will start to see a shift in the number of obese children and adults in America.

---

[i] Pringle, Peter. A Place at the Table: The Crisis of 49 Million Hungry Americans and How to Solve It. New York: PublicAffairs, 2013. Print.

[ii] Gottlieb, Robert, and Anupama Joshi. Food Justice. Cambridge, MA: MIT, 2010. Print.

[iii] Poppendieck, Janet. Sweet Charity?: Emergency Food and the End of Entitlement. New York, NY: Viking, 1998. Print.

[iv] Winne, Mark. Closing the Food Gap: Resetting the Table in the Land of Plenty. Boston: Beacon, 2008. Print.

[v] Gabriel, Jon. The Gabriel Method. Pymble, N.S.W.: Simon & Schuster Australia, 2009. Print.

A Very Large Road Block

This has been a very hard week for me.  My boyfriend of 6.5 years and I ended our relationship.  The long and short of it is that Joe and I want different things for our future.  For the last 4 years, we have both been very honest about what we want and I think we've both been waiting for the other to bend to the other's will.  In the end, neither was bending and we knew it wasn't fair to either of us to keep waiting or change what we want in life.  This is especially difficult because there is still love between us.  He has been my best friend for 6.5 years and the thought of not seeing him everyday is extremely hard.

Both of us have decided to stay in Denver; I picked up keys to a new apartment today.  While we give each other the space we need to heal, we will also see each other every now and then.  Neither of us think our friendship needs to end just because our romantic relationship has ended.  That makes it a little easier...a little.

Once I am able to move out from under this crushing sadness, I intend to focus on me.  I realize that this is what I have been doing all year, but my results (in terms of body weight and inches lost) have been minimal.  The nutritionist Jon Gabriel follows the logic that a body that does not want to lose weight, will not lose weight.  He talks about finding out why your body is fighting you and why it thinks it needs to remain fat.  He said that any type of stress on the system can make your body think that it is preparing for a famine and it needs to stock up and save fat, but the famine never comes.  For months, I have been wracking my brain because I felt as though my stresses were behind me.  My crazy, stressful King Tut job was over and I have been working part time with plenty of time to eat right and work out.

I now realize that my body has been trying to tell me something.  In the past few months while I have been stagnate on the weight loss front, Joe has been experiencing hives, insomnia, and loss of appetite.  We have came to a point where we couldn't deny what we wanted any longer and our bodies were screaming at us to deal with our stress.  It clicked in me that our stresses were unfortunately each other.

I am going to allow myself time to grieve, move out, celebrate the holidays with friends, and then I am going to try again on everything I've learned this year.  I will distract myself from being sad with eating right and upping my workout plan.  Part of me just wants to curl up in a ball and eat chocolate chip cookies the rest of my life, but I now know what it feels like to eat well and workout regularly and I prefer that healthy feeling to the lazy cookie monster feeling, which I also know far too well.

I appreciate your kind thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.  I know the fog will lift one day...it will just take some time.

Halloween is Over, Why Am I Still Scared?

My first 'running' 5K was a success.  Thank you to everyone who supported me along the way.  Having accomplished a task I once thought was impossible has opened my eyes.  If I can do that, what else can I do?

There are people who are born fearless.  They are jumping off of high ledges at 3 years old, making bike ramps at 10, trying flips off the diving board at 15, jumping out of airplanes at 21...and so on.  I am not now or have I ever been that type of person.  I think I was born with a yellow caution light blinking in my head.  I have always been scared to try new things...especially new activities.  My parents tried for years to get me to ride a bike.  There were agonizing days in the backyard with them trying to get me to ride a two-wheeler (backyard because the grass was softer than the street and I fell a lot).  Roller skating was definitely out of the question.  And let's not even discuss the horrific canoeing incident that single-handedly stopped my parents from EVER canoeing again...in a canoe that they owned.

I've often wondered where my fear originated from.  Perhaps in a past life I was a daredevil who died too young in some crazy stunt and vowed never to put myself into that kind of danger again?  Maybe as a baby I fell down one to many times and decided it wasn't for me?  Or maybe it was that time when I had the wind knocked out of me at a roller skating party?  Sometimes I feel like one of my biggest fears is falling.  I am terrified of walking and slipping on ice.  I'm scared of falling off of bikes and any other kind of apparatus that is supposed to be fun.  But you know what?  I've done those things!  I've slipped on ice many times, I've fallen off a number of bikes, and to be honest, I often fall while walking for absolutely no reason whatsoever.  I've never broken anything.  I've sprained an ankle or two, but I've never injured myself so bad that I couldn't then perform my daily tasks.  So again, why am I so scared?

I have had a few examples in my life where I have really put my mind over matter.  I don't know exactly what clicks inside of me that finally says, "Listen up, Crawford! You are going to do this and you are going to do this now and I don't care how scared you are!  Shut up and do it!"  The first time this happened, I was ten years old.  By this point, my parents had probably been trying to teach me to ride a bike for 4 years.  One day, I went out to the garage, rolled my bike down the driveway, got on and just rode it down the street.  Obviously, my parents teachings had worked and stuck in my brain somewhere, because on this particular day (with no one around) I just did it.  For some reason I decided it was time, I was ready, and I just did it.  (I also ran into a parked car while trying to ride around a cul-de-sac, but again, I survived.)  And I enjoyed riding my bike the whole summer.

When I was in college, my architecture class took a field trip to go white water rafting.  I was terrified, but all of my friends were going and I didn't want to be lame, so I did it.  It was scary, but exhilarating.  This past spring, Joe and his sisters and I went rafting.  As we were preparing to get in the boat and go down the river, I kept saying to Joe, "I'm so scared.  I'm so scared.  I don't know if I can do this!"  But I didn't want to be 'that' person who had to be driven back to the car and I knew I had gone rafting in the past.  So I followed Dr. Leo Marvin's (the movie character, not my cat) advice and took baby steps.  Baby step into my life jacket, baby step listen to the safety instructions, baby step the raft into the water, baby step get into the raft, baby step paddle paddle paddle!  At the end of the run, I felt awesome!  It was so much fun and exciting and I started to talk about doing it again.

And finally, running a 5K.  I've always hated to run and I never wanted to do it.  I didn't think I could do it.  I don't know if fear was the actual cause on this one, but self doubt was a major factor.  With the support from Ellie and Julia, I set my mind to it and trained.  When the day came, I really wanted to quit, but my mind kept me going.  During the first ten minutes of the run, my mind said some really nasty things, "Who are you kidding?  You can't run?  You look ridiculous.  Look at everyone pass you.  Was that a senior citizen that just passed you?  Is that dog sniffing you because it thinks you are dying?  You can't run up this hill.  Just stop. Stop. Stop. Quit. NOW."  Then I passed the mile marker and started saying, "You know what?  You've run two miles before...so just get to that point again."  And then once I passed two miles, my inner thoughts became much more positive, "You've never run this far ever before in your life!  You can do this!  Let's finish out strong!  Every step is one step further than you have ever done!  You're doing amazing!  The finish line is in your grasp!"  My 'fight' was never with my legs, feet, or even the road.  My fight was with my mind.

I need to learn to let go.  Let go of my fears, let go of my 'control' or lack there of, let go of my excuses.  Joe loves riding bikes and wants me to get a bike so we can ride together.  I've been putting it off because of financial concerns, weight concerns, crazy drivers on the road concerns...but there is an answer that can shut down each of those excuses.  I can buy a used (cheaper) bike, there is no weight limit to riding a bike (and it is an activity that could help me lose weight), and we don't have to ride on the road...there are a number of bike paths closed to motorists around here...this is Colorado for goodness sake!

Another thing I have been holding back on is enjoying winter activities.  There is a part of me (deep down) who really wants to be able to join Joe on the ski slopes this winter.  He has been learning to snow board and loves it.  Well, I want to learn to ski and go be on that mountain with him.  Again, I have been using my weight as an excuse.  Joking to friends that I don't want to be that person blasting down a mountain because my weight and gravity are having too much fun with me.  I'm also afraid of the ski lift and falling and finding snow pants in my size.

After some considerable thought, I came up with an even bigger fear.  The fear of missing out.  You know what is worse than falling down?  Waking up one day as an 82 year old woman who realizes that I've spent most of my life letting fear get the best of me.  Can you imagine what kind of regret I will feel after spending 50 years in Colorado and never once getting up the guts to ski down the beautiful Rocky Mountains?  Especially since I already feel the urge to try it as an overweight 32 year old?  That's 50 years of opportunity missed!  If I'm not going to live life now than what is the point?  I don't want to miss out!  I can no longer use my fear or my weight as my excuses.  The time for excuses are over.

If you know me at all, you will not be surprised to know that I have come up with a game plan.  I am a planner and I find that planning and organizing my thoughts and baby steps help me to achieve my goals, no matter how scary they may seem.  So here is my plan.  On the days when Joe goes up into the mountains to snow board with his friends, I am going to go to the nearby Nordic Center.  At the Nordic Center, I can rent snowshoes and hike around the grounds (and calculate charity miles!).  Once I am comfortable with that, I will rent cross country skis and I will ski around the relatively flat terrain.  Once I am comfortable on skis, I will book myself a ski lesson or two and I will ski down a mountain.  Now, I don't know if I will be able to accomplish this in one season or not, but it is a plan that I think I can follow.  And I won't be missing out completely on winter activities.

Oh, and I can cross one winter fear off my list because yesterday Joe and I were wandering around Breckenridge and I found a pair of snow pants in my size and on sale for 25% off.  There was only one pair in the whole store.  I saw it as a sign to join in the winter fun.  I tried the pants on, loved them, and bought them.  I am ready for the Nordic Center (after I purchase some gloves).

Finally, I think I am coming to the realization that I am scared of what will happen if I were to really truly follow through on all of my healthy habits I have been learning this year.  I seem to have weeks where I am great at getting my exercise in and then I have weeks where I am really great at eating only natural, non-processed foods...but the weeks never seem to match up.  Why is that?  Am I afraid of succeeding?  Am I afraid of people's comments when I succeed and their stares when I fail?  In my years of yo-yo dieting, I have learned that losing weight is not a quiet, personal journey.  It's right out there in the open.  Everyone can see how you are doing.  Compliments or words of encouragement while I lose weight make me uncomfortable because I know that if people notice my success now, they will definitely notice my failure later.  And let's be honest, when you get stuck in the world of yo-yo dieting, failure is always inevitable.  If I don't try, then no one can be disappointed in me when I fail.  If I just maintain my current status quo then I am just me as you know me right now.  I am nothing more and nothing less.  Perhaps this is why I decided to make my blog public.  Get ahead of it all.  Put my accomplishments, failures, insecurities, and fears out there in the universe.

Hello, my name is Beth. I am an inactive, over-eater who has allowed a lifetime of dieting and fear to over shadow my self worth and confidence.  I am on a journey to live my life.  The whole world can see me succeed and fail.  I am letting go of my fears.  I am letting go of trying not to disappoint others.  I am letting go of trying to control my body and I am going to start actually listening to what my body has to say.  I think it is saying it wants to have fun and eat well.