Tuesday, November 5, 2013

Halloween is Over, Why Am I Still Scared?

My first 'running' 5K was a success.  Thank you to everyone who supported me along the way.  Having accomplished a task I once thought was impossible has opened my eyes.  If I can do that, what else can I do?

There are people who are born fearless.  They are jumping off of high ledges at 3 years old, making bike ramps at 10, trying flips off the diving board at 15, jumping out of airplanes at 21...and so on.  I am not now or have I ever been that type of person.  I think I was born with a yellow caution light blinking in my head.  I have always been scared to try new things...especially new activities.  My parents tried for years to get me to ride a bike.  There were agonizing days in the backyard with them trying to get me to ride a two-wheeler (backyard because the grass was softer than the street and I fell a lot).  Roller skating was definitely out of the question.  And let's not even discuss the horrific canoeing incident that single-handedly stopped my parents from EVER canoeing again...in a canoe that they owned.

I've often wondered where my fear originated from.  Perhaps in a past life I was a daredevil who died too young in some crazy stunt and vowed never to put myself into that kind of danger again?  Maybe as a baby I fell down one to many times and decided it wasn't for me?  Or maybe it was that time when I had the wind knocked out of me at a roller skating party?  Sometimes I feel like one of my biggest fears is falling.  I am terrified of walking and slipping on ice.  I'm scared of falling off of bikes and any other kind of apparatus that is supposed to be fun.  But you know what?  I've done those things!  I've slipped on ice many times, I've fallen off a number of bikes, and to be honest, I often fall while walking for absolutely no reason whatsoever.  I've never broken anything.  I've sprained an ankle or two, but I've never injured myself so bad that I couldn't then perform my daily tasks.  So again, why am I so scared?

I have had a few examples in my life where I have really put my mind over matter.  I don't know exactly what clicks inside of me that finally says, "Listen up, Crawford! You are going to do this and you are going to do this now and I don't care how scared you are!  Shut up and do it!"  The first time this happened, I was ten years old.  By this point, my parents had probably been trying to teach me to ride a bike for 4 years.  One day, I went out to the garage, rolled my bike down the driveway, got on and just rode it down the street.  Obviously, my parents teachings had worked and stuck in my brain somewhere, because on this particular day (with no one around) I just did it.  For some reason I decided it was time, I was ready, and I just did it.  (I also ran into a parked car while trying to ride around a cul-de-sac, but again, I survived.)  And I enjoyed riding my bike the whole summer.

When I was in college, my architecture class took a field trip to go white water rafting.  I was terrified, but all of my friends were going and I didn't want to be lame, so I did it.  It was scary, but exhilarating.  This past spring, Joe and his sisters and I went rafting.  As we were preparing to get in the boat and go down the river, I kept saying to Joe, "I'm so scared.  I'm so scared.  I don't know if I can do this!"  But I didn't want to be 'that' person who had to be driven back to the car and I knew I had gone rafting in the past.  So I followed Dr. Leo Marvin's (the movie character, not my cat) advice and took baby steps.  Baby step into my life jacket, baby step listen to the safety instructions, baby step the raft into the water, baby step get into the raft, baby step paddle paddle paddle!  At the end of the run, I felt awesome!  It was so much fun and exciting and I started to talk about doing it again.

And finally, running a 5K.  I've always hated to run and I never wanted to do it.  I didn't think I could do it.  I don't know if fear was the actual cause on this one, but self doubt was a major factor.  With the support from Ellie and Julia, I set my mind to it and trained.  When the day came, I really wanted to quit, but my mind kept me going.  During the first ten minutes of the run, my mind said some really nasty things, "Who are you kidding?  You can't run?  You look ridiculous.  Look at everyone pass you.  Was that a senior citizen that just passed you?  Is that dog sniffing you because it thinks you are dying?  You can't run up this hill.  Just stop. Stop. Stop. Quit. NOW."  Then I passed the mile marker and started saying, "You know what?  You've run two miles before...so just get to that point again."  And then once I passed two miles, my inner thoughts became much more positive, "You've never run this far ever before in your life!  You can do this!  Let's finish out strong!  Every step is one step further than you have ever done!  You're doing amazing!  The finish line is in your grasp!"  My 'fight' was never with my legs, feet, or even the road.  My fight was with my mind.

I need to learn to let go.  Let go of my fears, let go of my 'control' or lack there of, let go of my excuses.  Joe loves riding bikes and wants me to get a bike so we can ride together.  I've been putting it off because of financial concerns, weight concerns, crazy drivers on the road concerns...but there is an answer that can shut down each of those excuses.  I can buy a used (cheaper) bike, there is no weight limit to riding a bike (and it is an activity that could help me lose weight), and we don't have to ride on the road...there are a number of bike paths closed to motorists around here...this is Colorado for goodness sake!

Another thing I have been holding back on is enjoying winter activities.  There is a part of me (deep down) who really wants to be able to join Joe on the ski slopes this winter.  He has been learning to snow board and loves it.  Well, I want to learn to ski and go be on that mountain with him.  Again, I have been using my weight as an excuse.  Joking to friends that I don't want to be that person blasting down a mountain because my weight and gravity are having too much fun with me.  I'm also afraid of the ski lift and falling and finding snow pants in my size.

After some considerable thought, I came up with an even bigger fear.  The fear of missing out.  You know what is worse than falling down?  Waking up one day as an 82 year old woman who realizes that I've spent most of my life letting fear get the best of me.  Can you imagine what kind of regret I will feel after spending 50 years in Colorado and never once getting up the guts to ski down the beautiful Rocky Mountains?  Especially since I already feel the urge to try it as an overweight 32 year old?  That's 50 years of opportunity missed!  If I'm not going to live life now than what is the point?  I don't want to miss out!  I can no longer use my fear or my weight as my excuses.  The time for excuses are over.

If you know me at all, you will not be surprised to know that I have come up with a game plan.  I am a planner and I find that planning and organizing my thoughts and baby steps help me to achieve my goals, no matter how scary they may seem.  So here is my plan.  On the days when Joe goes up into the mountains to snow board with his friends, I am going to go to the nearby Nordic Center.  At the Nordic Center, I can rent snowshoes and hike around the grounds (and calculate charity miles!).  Once I am comfortable with that, I will rent cross country skis and I will ski around the relatively flat terrain.  Once I am comfortable on skis, I will book myself a ski lesson or two and I will ski down a mountain.  Now, I don't know if I will be able to accomplish this in one season or not, but it is a plan that I think I can follow.  And I won't be missing out completely on winter activities.

Oh, and I can cross one winter fear off my list because yesterday Joe and I were wandering around Breckenridge and I found a pair of snow pants in my size and on sale for 25% off.  There was only one pair in the whole store.  I saw it as a sign to join in the winter fun.  I tried the pants on, loved them, and bought them.  I am ready for the Nordic Center (after I purchase some gloves).

Finally, I think I am coming to the realization that I am scared of what will happen if I were to really truly follow through on all of my healthy habits I have been learning this year.  I seem to have weeks where I am great at getting my exercise in and then I have weeks where I am really great at eating only natural, non-processed foods...but the weeks never seem to match up.  Why is that?  Am I afraid of succeeding?  Am I afraid of people's comments when I succeed and their stares when I fail?  In my years of yo-yo dieting, I have learned that losing weight is not a quiet, personal journey.  It's right out there in the open.  Everyone can see how you are doing.  Compliments or words of encouragement while I lose weight make me uncomfortable because I know that if people notice my success now, they will definitely notice my failure later.  And let's be honest, when you get stuck in the world of yo-yo dieting, failure is always inevitable.  If I don't try, then no one can be disappointed in me when I fail.  If I just maintain my current status quo then I am just me as you know me right now.  I am nothing more and nothing less.  Perhaps this is why I decided to make my blog public.  Get ahead of it all.  Put my accomplishments, failures, insecurities, and fears out there in the universe.

Hello, my name is Beth. I am an inactive, over-eater who has allowed a lifetime of dieting and fear to over shadow my self worth and confidence.  I am on a journey to live my life.  The whole world can see me succeed and fail.  I am letting go of my fears.  I am letting go of trying not to disappoint others.  I am letting go of trying to control my body and I am going to start actually listening to what my body has to say.  I think it is saying it wants to have fun and eat well.

5 comments:

  1. I understand your last fear so much Beth. Right now I am struggling to accept this new body after the baby and gaining all the weight I worked so hard to take off. I made it a group activity. Everyone saw my body and what I was doing to accomplish my goals. Now that I have yo-yo'd once again I feel ashamed. I have a fear of starting it all up again because I don't want to hear from those who might think i'm a failure. Just know that I am here for you to lean on. It's not an easy journey and I understand where you are coming from. I'm so very proud of all you have accomplished. Especially the mental accomplishments. Our mind is a twisting mass of confusion, despair, hope, anger, fear, happiness, and joy. Keep fighting. Love ya!

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  2. Beth, I don't remember your fears all that well. I do remember how many things you have done. When I think of you I think of willpower and courage. I have no ddoubt that you will accomplish whatever you set your mind to.

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  3. Beth, I don't remember your fears all that well. I do remember how many things you have done. When I think of you I think of willpower and courage. I have no ddoubt that you will accomplish whatever you set your mind to.

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  4. I hear a lot of myself in what you say. I am always so proud of you as you confront your fears. You have more successes than failures. You should make a list of them and keep it where you can see it often! Love you!

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  5. Beth - I read every one of you blogs and I always enjoy them, even though I don't post comments. This one is so inspirational, I just had to post to say THANK YOU for sharing all of your experiences and putting it all out there. Even though I only spent a week with you at Green Mountain, it was very apparent that you are an amazing person and I was extremely fortunate to have met you.

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