Inner Struggle, Struggle, Struggle

I put the word 'struggle' in the title of this post three times so you can really understand the gravity of my inner struggles.  You're welcome.

One of the core things we were taught at Green Mountain was to live our lives away from diet mentality.   Eat what we want, when we want, but be mindful and stop eating when we are full.  Sounds simple enough, right?  Well, it is until you start paying closer attention to how certain foods effect you.

I have been quite enjoying the fact that I can have a cupcake at any point in my life.  Never again will they be taken away or forbidden.  The freedom of knowing I can have a cupcake at any time is so wonderful.  It takes the pressure off of me having to eat one that appears in front of me at any moment.  I have the ability to look at that moment and say, "Nope, not hungry. I'll pass."  Or "Heck yeah!  Bring on the personal sized cake of awesomesauce."  Every moment is a choice.  My next one can be a good one.  (Or bad one!  It's my life!)

I have learned that to deprive myself of a type of food is detrimental to my path to health.  If I really want a food, I should just eat it and let it go because otherwise, I won't be satisfied with the 'healthier' option I choose and may continue to overeat to compensate for unsatisfactory choice.  I could save myself unneeded calories and headache if I just ate what my mind wanted.

And there in lies the problem.  What my 'mind' wants.  Not what my body wants or needs.  They didn't quite go over this struggle at Green Mountain (if they did, I don't remember because I was too excited about the 'eat whatever you want' teaching).  Over the last 3.5 months, I have been following my 'mind' a bunch.  I have been enjoying my more fruits and veggies, but I have also been enjoying my natural cookies and cheese and the occasional non-organic, possibly fried treat.

You guys have been with me as I have come to the conclusions about certain foods:

Fried Chicken Fingers = Nausea and Upset Body for 24 hours

Hot Dogs = Severe Stomach Cramps

Cheese = Mucus, Coughing, Death by Toilet

But, but....I REALLY WANT THOSE THINGS!!!  Green Mountain told me I could have them!  I just have to be mindful and stop eating when I am full!  But isn't mindfulness, by definition, the act of paying attention to how my body reacts while I eat?  I have been focusing so much on trying to be mindful to hunger cues that I have unintentionally started paying closer attention to other ways my body reacts.  Stomach cramps, nausea, mucus...

Any smart person, and I really hope to be one some day, would immediately make the connection of the bad side effects and just wouldn't want the items anymore.  But I can't quite seem to do that.  I smell a hot dog and I salivate...I don't grab my stomach thinking about what could become of it once said hot dog is consumed.  As you learned from my blog yesterday, I have been suspicious about dairy for two years now, but have shrugged it off because it is so damn good.  Shouldn't I have stopped cold turkey the moment I made the connection that cheese = death by toilet?  Who wants to suffer like that?  Am I a masochist?  Why would I continue with behaviors that harm my body?

Oh wait...haven't I been overweight my entire life?  Haven't I struggled to keep up with people, breathe properly, and fit into hip clothes?  Why wasn't that enough to make me change my ways?  Am I lazy?  Unmotivated?  Do I secretly hate myself and think I should be punished?  I honestly don't think I can answer 'yes' to any of those last three questions.  So it's got to be something else.  How do I change the way I think to make my 'go to' question to myself always be, "What can I do at this moment to help my body feel great?"

Cheese, hot dogs, and fried foods certainly won't be the answer to that question ever.  I have become so stuck in my ways; entrenched in the Standard American Diet (SAD), that I have allowed myself to overlook basic things like feeling good.  Bloating, gas, mucus, stomach cramps have become my normal.  As I suspect it has for most Americans.  (Did you know that 75% of adults are lactose intolerant?  And that about 80% of them ignore their symptoms?  We only have the lactose enzyme in our bodies as babies.  As we grow, the enzyme goes away and we are no longer able to digest lactose.)

So the answer to my struggle goes something like this: 

1. Constantly ask myself "What can I do at this moment to help my body feel great?"  Repeat often like an affirmation until it becomes part of how I naturally speak to myself.
2. For now, cut out dairy, hot dogs, and fried food completely until I can honestly make the body/mind connection that alerts me these foods are bad.  If I deny myself these foods long enough, my cravings will go away.
3. Make the connection!  Make my mind alert me of these bad foods instinctively.  Such as when I see heroin (okay, I've never actually seen heroin)...my mind immediately sends up a red flashing siren in my brain to stay away.  (Just say no!)  Couldn't it do that with foods that make me feel terrible too?  If I begin a visualization regime (Jon Gabriel has a method in his book to help me with this) then eventually I can make it instinctual.
4. And finally, find alternatives to help me feel satisfied without feeling denied.  As I explore more and more healthy, natural, organic foods, I find myself enjoying them more than my more processed or pesticide-laced counter part.  I no longer want romaine or iceberg lettuce.  I want spinach!  I can't eat non-organic grapes because the pesticides (no matter how much I wash them) make my mouth itch, but the organic ones are heavenly.  I would rather have my homemade chicken nuggets from fresh chicken breast than the mystery, fried food meat that I get at restaurants.

So as you can see, I am reforming my mind daily.  It is going to take me a long time to completely institute my four steps above...but I'm getting there.  My path may be rocky at times, but it is long and I am slowly learning how to pave it.